Why Men Might Be Intimidated by You, and Why You Shouldn’t Worry about It

Welp, I’m single again this year. I figure I’d say to hell with the longing for treats and other Valentine’s Day fru fru for detached peace of mind. It turns out I got my fill of chocolate and caramel sweats this holiday anyway. It wasn’t wrapped in pink or red foil paper nuzzled in a heart shaped box though. It was melanin-wrapped around hearts of gold. I had a lovely evening this past Friday with the girls for a GalenWine event. We went to one of the fanciest restaurant wineries in town. All of us got dressed up in black, each woman draped in her relative style – some sultry, others bohemian, and the rest hipster or trendy. We wore red lipstick. We bonded by reading conversation cards and shared lots of laughs. It was a great relief after a stressful week. It was very much needed and very well received.

The nine of us are all professional or businesswomen – all Black and in our mid-twenties to mid-forties. We are beautiful, spiritual, and caring. Despite the surplus of Black Girl Magic in our group, only one of us is married. Furthermore, she is the only one in a long-term relationship. This ratio is quite common. Black women between the ages of 25-40 are the ethnic group least likely to be married compared to others.  

Women are killing it in the academic and professional world. There’s very little, if anything, we can’t do these days. Alas, I am forced to admit one of the hardest things about being a cisgender, hetersexual woman is dating men. Don’t worry, I do not intend for this to be space for male bashing, but I will say that after a while it’s hard for women to cope with the harsh realities of dating. I find that eventually women like my single friends and I internalize the failures and loneliness of not being able to find suitable partners to achieve #relationshipgoals. We try to work on ourselves by reading books and go to counseling to figure out what’s “wrong” with us. I’ve come to realize within the past two years or so that usually quite the opposite is truer. We’ve worked hard. We worked on ourselves. We’ve made good decisions about our lives. We’ve got it right. It is men who are intimidated by our successes and our character.

Men get scared. They disappear. They decide they rather “be friends”. It amounts to women getting little, if any, explanation about why a romantic relationship could not work, and this starts the hurtful cycle of internalized rejection. Though some men will explain, it doesn’t erase the hurt and confusion. My hope forces me to believe the desire for a healthy, supportive relationship isn’t just a ridiculous gender norm gone array in our disconnected generation. I want to empower women to believe in change. There’s still good out there, so try not to worry or focus on the setbacks. Just because it’s hard out here doesn’t mean that you have to settle, but to find different, you have to see different. I’ve come to these observations of why men most often become intimated, and what you should look for instead:

You Work Hard

The truth is that some men, such as those of color, have very real barriers to success. This over time can seem insurmountable, and quite often by the late twenties or thirties many become exhausted and defeated. Society tells men that if they work hard, they will be successful. When this doesn’t work, they internalize their failures, just like we internalize ours about relationships. In contrast, women are already told that we have to work harder, and we do. We work double, if not triple times harder, and it pays off. We expect success to be hard. We do not internalize these challenges as easily. We go harder. When a man sees a woman working harder than him, it makes him feel like he should be doing more, or she should be doing less.  It would be nice if more could be inspired by a hard working woman, but it’s rare.

Don’t Worry: Look for the one that is going hard for his or otherwise inspired by you out here getting yours.

You are NOT Nice

Men expect women to be soft and delicate in manner, but definitely in tongue. This also means you’re supposed to be meek and put up with hurtful and unhealthy patterns of behavior. God forbid you speak up for yourself or have opinions that don’t protect his ego. You are not afraid to tell people about themselves, whether at work or the person you are dating. Though you try to communicate feedback in the most respectful way, people in general have a hard time looking in the mirror about what they need to change no matter how well it might be delivered. This makes people uncomfortable and you the bad girl, but a healthy relationship based on growth will require both people to be honest about their thoughts, needs, and feelings. It requires ownership and accountability of one’s mistakes, because let’s face it, you’re not perfect or always right (no matter how much you want to think so).  

Don’t worry: Look for the one that can take the heat in humility without allowing you to dominate him.

You are a Professional

You went to school and found a career where you thrive. You work a nine-to-five or own a business. You meet with important people and you act accordingly. You pay bills on time. You dress nice and speak well. You are well kept. He has a shift job he can’t stand and doesn’t know where his life is going. He has dreams he doesn’t work on, or worse – he talks about doing something and never does. He thinks you’re “bad” but “stuck up”. You think he’s unmotivated or insecure. You might be right; however, a garbage man can have pride in his work and his woman with the right work ethic.

Don’t worry: Look for the one with a self-assured purpose and a plan.

You Are Complex (You have a variety of interests) & You are Active

You all know him: the guy that just loves to “chill”. He talks about sports and his job most of the time. You’re out here working, going to the gym, volunteering, going to church, speaking at conferences, and keeping up a side hustle. His idea of free time is binge watching Netflix; he thinks you’re doing too much. He has too much time on his hands, yet doesn’t want to participate in the things that you care about. The truth is you’re living your best life, and he’s just making a living.

Don’t worry:  Look for the one that invests his time proactively – whether a hobby, passion, or side hustle – or doesn’t mind supporting yours.

You Are Nice

This is especially odd in my view, as men are notorious for saying they want nice girls or appreciate “a good woman” who is loving. Yet men are taught to be aggressive and abrasive to get what they want. Toxic masculinity makes selfishness and cruelty look cool. This becomes hard to manage in a romantic relationship where the opposite is expected, and many men don’t have the practice to turn “the fight” down or completely off. Nobody wants to hurt a nice person. Some men won’t care, but those with even half a conscience will feel guilt or shame when they can’t reconcile the change that needs to take place. When you, Good Woman A-1 shows up, then he feels he doesn’t deserve you. Maybe he does, and maybe he doesn’t, but either way he needs to mature to sustain a long-term loving relationship.

Don’t worry: Look for the one that puts effort into building his character for himself, and you.

You are smart

Girl, you went to college. You probably have not one, but two or even three degrees under your belt. Not only are you book smart, but you identify the obvious. You use common sense. You are articulate and an effective communicator. You are curious and open to new experiences. This makes you worldly and a critical thinker. He has trouble finding his words, and he’s embarrassed by it. He doesn’t like to read and he wants to do, eat, and play the same thing over and over again.

Don’t worry: Look for the one that likes to learn, and might even put you on to a few things…

There’s value out there. Some days, I find it hard to believe, too. It’s fair to note that some men won’t care about any of these qualities. They will see your awesomeness for what it is, despite what their own condition might be. Whether one presents intimidated or not, I’m going to keep up this hope until something happens. I want my lady followers to believe your Forever Valentine is out there looking for you, too. Try your best not to worry or be discouraged. The Real One is on the way. He’s something extra special. You’re not intimidating; Men are intimidated. There’s a difference, and your guy will be IT. Make room for more. Make room for love. In the meantime, love on your girlfriends a little more – those who are boo’d up, and definitely those who are not.