5 Lessons Going Natural Taught Me about Self-Worth
Black and Brown women are out here grinding, staying moisturized, and healing from mistakes and past trauma. I’m all for the positive vibes.
I can admit that when it comes to my own journey of growth it definitely took some inner work that did not always feel positive. There were a series of major life events that led me to arrive at a place to understand my self-worth. It all started with moving away from family and friends to a different state to start my career. Being on my own for the first time forced me to take a good look in the mirror about who I was as a person. I was faced with my own fears, demons, insecurities, and traumas that I could no longer drown in productivity and quality time with people I love.
Initially, it felt like I was “stuck” in a new environment with no where to really go for entertainment or others to connect with. Now, I understand that I was learning to be content with myself, and I learned how to take better care of myself first emotionally, then psychologically, and finally physically. Eventually, I was able to manage completely my own lifestyle, money, and well-being. I was finally one of those independent women in all those pop and R&B songs. My purpose and passion were also becoming clearer to me on a larger scale. Knowing more of who I was and what I wanted out of life strangely, gave me the courage to try something I had wanted to for years – going natural.
I would say that going natural seemed to grow with increasing popularity around the year 2010. I looked on admiringly as my sorority sisters and other Black women in my life did “the big chop” and listening attentively, though slightly perplexed when they shared secrets about natural hair products. It looked so beautiful on them, and I looked on with admiration, and even jealousy of what their hair looked like natural. It sparked my curiosity about mine own in its natural state.
You see, I had no idea what my hair would look like natural. That’s what scared me the most. I could not even remember what my hair looked like or even how felt when it was natural. I was “blessed” with a thick head of long wavy/curly hair as a girl, but I got a relaxer put in it when I was about six years old.
But that goes to say that putting in the time and energy to figure out how to care for my natural hair, and having the courage to face the unknown of whether it would look as beautiful as the other women of color in my life was a journey that taught me a lot about my own self-worth. Not only had I no recollection of what my hair was like natural, but I also had no idea of what my hair looked like short. Taking the big chop was another huge risk, and I felt super insecure about how my big forehead and wide nose would look like with short hair. I thought I would look like a boy, which fed my fears about undesirability as a woman, and ultimately self-worth.
Finally, I got sick of having to go to Northern Virginia to get my hair relaxed. I hadn’t found anyone I trusted to relax my hair in Illinois. I just said forget it. I started the transition in December 2015, and I took the big chop in September 2016.
The “Big Chop”, September 2016
I loved it! Suddenly, all my insecurities seemed absolutely ridiculous once it was all over and done with. Taking this step, and then following it through to grow long, natural curls taught me a thing or two about self-worth. Here’s what I learned going through the process:
Individualization
The Journey: What my hair needs is different from another women, even with the same texture. My hair is actually three textures, like many other women might relate to – wavy in the front, kinky on the left side of the crown, and curly everywhere else. Some people will tell you that this and that works best on natural hair or this type of texture. It’s never that simple, because your hair and how it grows will be uniquely its own. I had a sorority sister tell me that she only used natural products in her hair, but I realized through my own journey that store bought products worked better for me as a pre-poo and a deep conditioner. I have a friend that swears by her wash and go, but mine droops when it’s wet and won’t hold the curl. My hair has to be twisted with a bit of gel to keep the texture.
The Lesson: There’s no right way to go natural. My path is my own, and I do not have to emulate anyone. I have to do what works for me. This is really how life is, in general. You are on your own unique path, and what you do to thrive in your power and calling will not require the same things as others. You must embrace your gifts and even your weaknesses to live a life that fits you. I learned through going natural that I am worthy of my unique path and the resources that meet my needs.
Effort
The Journey: Oh, the infamous wash day! I like to call it a whole Olympic event. It’s actually wash day for me as I write this, and my hair is in a deep-conditioning pre-poo for the next 3-4 hours before I take another 45min for me to detangle and twist the strains in the shower. It will then need about half a day or so to dry. Initially, this felt like a chore, especially during seasons of low energy. Now, I embrace these steps, because I know this is what my hair requires to be luscious and beautiful like I desire. When my hair was shorter, some of these steps were either longer or shorter, but one thing doesn’t change about maintaining natural hair – it’s takes a lot of effort and a huge time commitment.
The Lesson: Everything that you want does not come easy. There is a system you need to develop or a process that must be experienced over time to reach your destiny. I had to realize that if I wanted to be natural, then I needed to do what needed to done to grow healthy, naturally curly hair. It’s really that simple. We often say we want growth or change, but then get frustrated when we learn what it takes. This makes us either procrastinate, cut corner, or (*gasps*) give up, and forces us back to square one – even more frustrated and unfulfilled. I learned to tell myself that I am worthy of the effort and time it takes to achieve what I desire. Wash day is now a self-care ritual that I savor, instead of self-torture I want to get over and done with.
Consistency
The Journey: Natural hair grows in phases. Even after the big chop, the hair is used to being relaxed, so it does not necessarily curl on its own. There was a period where I would get frustrated with my hair’s lack of ability to curl on its own, especially on wash days when it was taking an hour plus to bantu knot or flat twist my strains. Then, there was a time when my hair seemed to not be growing long and wavy, like the natural girls I really admired. My wavy sections where hinting to me that they could one day do what I wanted, and I was really upset it seemed to be stuck at a certain length. I kept at my routine. It all paid off, and now my hair is longer than it’s ever been, even when it was relaxed!
The Lesson: Again, everything that you want does not come easy, but nor will it always happen in the timeframe that you think it should. The best things in life take time and long-term vision. I learned that I am worthy of a sustained commitment, despite how things may look on the outside. I am in it for the long haul, and the future will be better than what I envision. I now see that when things don’t meet my expectations, it’s not because what I wasn’t isn’t possible, it’s because it just might need more time.
Don’t believe the hype
The Journey: I would discover this and that new product when I was trying to figure out which ones worked best on my hair. Some of the stuff I learned about through research or recommended by hair influencers about a new Black woman starting her own line. I would go to the store to buy it and it would damn near by $20 per container or bottle. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous, and I made up my mind that I was NOT going to go broke just to go natural. I figured out a nice combination of a shea butter based leave-in-conditioner and a olive oil based hair lotion, both for about $4 each from Wal-Mart. These products worked for me just fine, and I’m currently struggling with the fact that the hair lotion changed its formula, so I’m going to have to figure out something comparable to buy. Ugh!
The Lesson: Our commercialized society is going to sell you on anything and everything. You don’t have to go broke to achieve your dreams. I realized that because I was working toward some financial goals at the time that I needed to make smart decisions about which products I needed to invest in. I learned I am worthy of the power to decide what honors all of goals, rather than sacrificing pieces of my dreams to do what benefits others.
Resting through a protective style and water
The Journey: My hair was about shoulder length for about a year or two. It drove me crazy after a while. I could not figure out what it would take for it to grow. But I watched a video by Naptural85, and I finally followed what I had heard in another videos of hers, but wasn’t quite ready to take serious – your hair needs a protective style and water every day to grow. She explained that several days throughout the weak she kept her hair up in a cap, and she sprayed it with water twice a day. This initially made me nervous working in a predominantly White environment. I wasn’t sure how I could go about wearing my hair wrapped, because I wasn’t sure my employer would approve. But once I decided to take the risk! Wow! My hair grew like crazy!
The Lesson: We cannot be active all the time. We must rest. We must saturate. All the fluff and fancy with this and that product won’t replace the body’s most basic ingredient – water. This taught me the value of my time to preserve my energy and health. Truly, nothing in nature is active all year round. I learned that I am worthy of full restoration and the nourishment to be my best self.
Long, wavy strains, June 2020
Finding self-worth was a rocky road, but it was worth it. Honestly, I’m a bit tickled that something like going natural would be what it took for me to learn it. I believe self-worth is something we may have to commit to grow for a life-time, and some of you out there might just be getting started. I honor your journey, and I am cheering you on from the side-lines. Here is a summary of affirmation about self-worth that I learned though my journey to natural hair:
I am worthy of my unique path and the resources that meet my needs.
I am worthy of the effort and time it takes to achieve what I desire.
I am worthy of a sustained commitment, despite how things may look on the outside.
I am worthy of the power to decide what honors all of goals, rather than sacrificing pieces of my dreams to do what benefits others.
I am worthy of full restoration and the nourishment to be my best self.
I hope these affirmations take you to a higher place of what it means to look and feel great. After all, you’re worth it. Don’t forget it!