7 Truths to Remember When You Can’t Talk to Your Parents about Your Career Goals
You know a rapper that I feel gets slept on? Will Smith. I read his memoir for Melanin Reads Bookclub, and he talked about his accomplishments in the rap industry, despite going against the hyper masculine stereotypes of rap artists during that time. One of the things I’ve always appreciated about Will’s music is he had some classic jams with a real message, such as “Parents Just Don’t Understand”. You should check it out. “That boy spittin’!”
The song makes me think about a population of students and professionals that may relate to his lyrics - those that are on the path to pursuing careers that they didn’t want, but their parents wanted for them. It may be because your parents pursued the traditional careers within your family line or the customary, stable positions of the time in which they came of age. Alternatively, it may be that your parents were immigrants that made a lot of sacrifices for you to have access to opportunities not available in their home countries. I often see this specific scenario in 1.5 generation immigrant students, first-generation college students, and even some international students. Their families or countries of origin have very specific expectations of what type of careers they are willing to support, whether it be for economic, cultural, or political reasons.
If you relate to this and are now realizing that your current career choice is not a fit for you, then you might feel stuck. You want to respect your family’s wishes, but you don’t want to sacrifice your happiness in the long term. You hear the realistic explanation of why you should pursue this or that career and doing so relieves immediate stress to make your parents happy. You think this makes sense and you’ll get over the doubts, questions, and disconnection you feel from what you’re studying. You think you’ll get over feeling out of place at work or otherwise bored and frustrated with what you have to do on a daily basis in your career as a doctor, lawyer, engineer, teacher, or nurse.
But check this out, I also know about adults that pursued these same careers to please their parents or other social factors. And guess what? That uneasy feeling DOESN’T go away. You don’t “get over it”.
It’s quite possible that that “feeling” you have is your intuition telling you that your current path isn’t right for you. Will Smith even shares in the book about how his mother was against his rap pursuit, because she adamantly wanted him to pursue college. He describes that as soon as he invested himself in the rap game, he just knew a hip-hop career was “it” for him. He understood his mother’s perspective and values, but the vibe he got from making music was something he just couldn’t shake. He had fallen in love with his own destiny.
As a career counselor who’s met with hundreds of students and professionals at this point in my career, I would say that deep down, people usually know when we’re not on our own path, similar to Will. The universe knows it, too. The longer you put off accepting the truth, the heavier the burden is in your heart. Here are seven signs your intuition or the universe is trying to warn you about being on the wrong path:
You are excelling in classes or tasks that align with your natural skills and genuine interests, but you find the tasks and assignments of your current path overwhelmingly challenging. You might even be consistently failing or getting bad reviews on these tasks, not matter how many times you try to improve.
You get positive feedback from friends, teachers, and mentors about skills and tasks that are different than your current path
You avoid talking to people about what you are studying or doing, because you don’t want to seem negative or appear ungrateful
You don’t like answering questions about your goals, because it makes you feel uncertain or out of place about your future
Your work environment is increasingly toxic or working conditions continue to decline for you, and nothing you do to improve the environment, relationships, or attitude appears to work. Alternatively, your classmates or colleagues seem fine or even enjoy being there
You feel a sense of something “missing” or a lack of purpose, despite how meaningful or purposeful your current path appears to others
You feel physically sick or emotionally drained when it’s time for you to go to class or to work
I would bet that you’ve tried to explain the way you feel to your parents, and they’re just not trying to hear it. They might be well meaning, but they honestly might not be interested in your goals and dreams, since they “know what’s best for you”. Depending on your culture and their values, they may feel your career is the sacrifice your family needs to get ahead.
These are some truths you want to remember when you can’t talk to your parents about the career path you want to take:
You are not whoever they are comparing you to
Your parents might say that this and that person attempting what you’re interested in isn’t successful. They may think these types of jobs are “the future”, or other types of jobs “aren’t realistic”. You are not them. You are the master of your own destiny. PERIODT. If you want to make it work, then you will. If it still doesn’t turn out the way that you wanted, then you learned something valuable for the next step.
Your values are different than your parents
Your parents with very good reason might value safety and social status, but you might value freedom and independence. You might value making a difference or even joy in what you do. Neither you nor your parents are right or wrong. It just means that you are drawn to different careers that reflect your values rather than the careers your parents believe are important. That’s ok. Trust me, aligning your work with your values is a huge factor in career satisfaction, and you want to make sure that you pursue options than are most meaningful to you.
Work impacts mental health
Work is a big chunk of our lives. When we’re unhappy then it takes a psychological toll on other areas of our lives. The stresses that come along with being out of place may be manifesting into physical symptoms. This is also interconnected with values, because a big factor in the things that stress us out are when situations or relationships in our lives are not in alignment with our values. Your work environment, relationships with your coworkers, and self-esteem are all impacting your mental health. You want to pick something that will both support and challenge you in healthy ways, rather than lead to prolonged stress and burn out.
Finding a career is more than just “working hard”
Yes, it’s possible you could “get better” at math, science, or whatever other skills you need for this career. It’s also true that skills and strengths are genetic. You have biological predispositions to your talents and gifts. A huge part of what makes us successful is aligning with what we naturally do well, rather than fighting to acquire or improve skills we do not have. This is a matter of how bad you want the skill. If you want to get better at the skills, then go for it! But a lot of times, if you don’t like a career, it’s because you don’t like the primary skills for that career, or you’ve grown out of them. It could also be that you simply enjoy using other skills more. Skills you are neutral to or even don’t like will never quite measure up to skills you love. Wouldn’t you rather be investing the time and energy to build skills that bring you joy?
There are many jobs out there that provide a sustainable living
There are literally thousands of careers out there. I’m totally serious. The average person might know a max of 10 or so, and even fewer for those that live in secluded or low-resourced areas. The internet helps a lot with exposure, but people most often only know about the careers that they learn from family and their immediate environment. The list of potential careers options gets even shorter when people narrow down to those that they would realistically consider. Traditionally, many communities think only doctors, lawyers, and IT professionals bring in the big bucks. Don’t sell yourself short! In the same vein, your parents likely have a limited perspective about well-earning careers based on those that were available to them when and where they grew up. You have access to learn about so many more occupations that provide a “good living”, again according to how you would define that with your own values.
You’re wasting money
Education and even growing into a career as a professional cost money. College tuition, graduate school, certifications, and professional development opportunities cost thousands of dollars. Why not put that money into something that gives you a higher return on your investment? If you put all that money into a career that you can’t stand and then ultimately change, then what? This point is often what keeps people stuck – the amount of money and energy they poured into a career at any point of time. The sooner you make the switch to invest in what you really want, the less you feel obligated to hold onto what’s not serving you.
Your parents are projecting their own fantasies and ideologies onto your future
It’s very possible that your parents know that you’re struggling and unhappy with the path that you’re on, but they want you to continue, because it’s fulfilling their own needs or desires they have had for your life, or even themselves. Their ideologies about who you should or could be as a child do not align with who you have truly grown to be are as an adult. Your parents are attached to a fairy tale for your life or they are hoping you will fulfill the dreams they were restricted from achieving. This isn’t a bad hope, and some children might find great meaning in manifesting their parents dreams, others might find this draining.
You cannot force your parents to listen to your concerns about your need to take control of your own career journey. Will Smith ended up having his dad serve as a mediator between himself and his mother. As you can see, things worked out! Whether you find an advocate for your dream, remember that you can only change the peace you find within to trust yourself about your future. I’m wishing you career satisfaction in a role (or multiple) aligned with who you are, your values, and your gifts. It’s worth the risk!